I met someone new who has completely captured me. He makes my soul ring brightly and my heart soar. Everyday we talk on skype and tell each other our lives and dreams. It only seems fitting that the man I am falling so deeply in love with lives halfway across the country. Both of us sense the strong connection and we can't pass up this bond we share. I will see him in 2 months to much begrudging of my parents. I want to take control of my life and live it the way I want. I can't let others control me and keep me pushed down.
I hope in a year I will be gone from the US and in his country. Desperately I need a change. My dreams have always lead me to far away places. Lets just hope this is one dream that comes true.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Call it off
So it is another day. Quite a bit has happened in the past few days. I almost posted about a couple days ago but I wanted to see how things ended.
After one of the songs my ex wrote came up on my ipod, I was thinking about how his music was doing. I looked on youtube to see if he had posted any new songs. Now I guess I should start by saying, I have not talked to him in about 3 months. So I listened to him sing a cover of this song I loved and decided just to leave a small encouraging comment under one of my lesser known screen names. He knew it was me and we started talking the next day. I simply asked how his music was and he launched into how he missed me and wanted to see me again. I said nicely said no and that I was not interested in him like that and just wanted to know how his music was doing. We made small talk for the rest of the day just kinda relaying the stuff going on in our life.
The next night I got a message from his girlfriend? lover? slut bag? (She is the girl he cheated on me with throughout our relationship and she repaid her love for him by getting engaged. I really hate her) Her and I got into a fight over skype telling me to get out of his life b/c her and his mom know what is best for him and he is incapable of making decisions on his own. I pretty much defended him but she was still able to get me at the end of the conversation. We were just trying to say the things that would hurt the most. It was pretty nasty.
Essentially what ended up happening was after the fight, she went over to his house and told him that she got his passwords and we had a spat. He responded by kicking her out. He sent an email to me and I sent him the conversation. According to him hes done with her but still is going to be her friend b/c he can't get away from her since his mom loves her. -shrug- I told him that I didn't really care if he was with her or not b/c its none of my business who he loves. He wants to meet with me in a couple weeks but I don't think I'm up to it. Though he did get me an interview with a coffee shop so I kinda feel like I owe him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have have not made my decision to join the air force yet. I have always stood for non-violence and been against the military. Its really difficult for me to make the choice but I did decided that I would prepare myself as if I were going to join. I'm exercising now and I found an air force 9 week training guide for getting ready for basic. I'm not able to do pushups yet so I can't really start it yet, but I'm working on it. Today I learned how to put my hair up though so I won't have to cut it. I figured if I practice then I could do it quickly for basic. Its actually kinda cool! Girls use a rolled up sock to make a bun! Isn't that insane? I'm currently wearing it like that now.
I know I still have a long way to go before I'm ready to join the military, but everyone has to start somewhere right?
After one of the songs my ex wrote came up on my ipod, I was thinking about how his music was doing. I looked on youtube to see if he had posted any new songs. Now I guess I should start by saying, I have not talked to him in about 3 months. So I listened to him sing a cover of this song I loved and decided just to leave a small encouraging comment under one of my lesser known screen names. He knew it was me and we started talking the next day. I simply asked how his music was and he launched into how he missed me and wanted to see me again. I said nicely said no and that I was not interested in him like that and just wanted to know how his music was doing. We made small talk for the rest of the day just kinda relaying the stuff going on in our life.
The next night I got a message from his girlfriend? lover? slut bag? (She is the girl he cheated on me with throughout our relationship and she repaid her love for him by getting engaged. I really hate her) Her and I got into a fight over skype telling me to get out of his life b/c her and his mom know what is best for him and he is incapable of making decisions on his own. I pretty much defended him but she was still able to get me at the end of the conversation. We were just trying to say the things that would hurt the most. It was pretty nasty.
Essentially what ended up happening was after the fight, she went over to his house and told him that she got his passwords and we had a spat. He responded by kicking her out. He sent an email to me and I sent him the conversation. According to him hes done with her but still is going to be her friend b/c he can't get away from her since his mom loves her. -shrug- I told him that I didn't really care if he was with her or not b/c its none of my business who he loves. He wants to meet with me in a couple weeks but I don't think I'm up to it. Though he did get me an interview with a coffee shop so I kinda feel like I owe him.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have have not made my decision to join the air force yet. I have always stood for non-violence and been against the military. Its really difficult for me to make the choice but I did decided that I would prepare myself as if I were going to join. I'm exercising now and I found an air force 9 week training guide for getting ready for basic. I'm not able to do pushups yet so I can't really start it yet, but I'm working on it. Today I learned how to put my hair up though so I won't have to cut it. I figured if I practice then I could do it quickly for basic. Its actually kinda cool! Girls use a rolled up sock to make a bun! Isn't that insane? I'm currently wearing it like that now.
I know I still have a long way to go before I'm ready to join the military, but everyone has to start somewhere right?
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Citizen Erased
I haven't posted in a while, but a lot has happened. My boyfriend James and I broke up after 2 1/2 years of dating. It took me a while, but I had moved on. I'm not sure if it makes it easier or harder to move on after you had been cheated on. Though regardless, I'm over it.
I started talking to one of my old guy friends out of the blue. By the end of the week, we had gone on a date, and were officially a couple. It might seemed rushed, but we had known each other for 4 years previously, and almost dated before. We were different people and ready for a relationship. Those were 3 months of happiness that I would never trade for anything. He had to leave for a long time on a trip for his career. He would be gone for 3 months and we thought we could handle that. Everything was going seemingly well for the first 2 weeks but on week 3 he finds out that he will be gone for 6 months or more. He said he couldn't handle being away for that long and that it was starting to affect him physically. With much crying, we parted ways. Even now, my heart is heavy and its been nearly 3 weeks since our break up. I took it pretty hard to the point him and I got into a fight. I wanted to stay friends with him but in the end, it hurt too much to talk to him. I couldn't stop myself from crying every time we talked. I told him that we needed to stop talking for a bit so I can heal. Its been about 5 days now. I miss him, but there is nothing I can do.
Its been really lonely here. I moved back to Indiana to my parents house. We then moved to another town. I had lived here for a year once, so I reconnected with 3 of my friends here. So far, I have not met anyone else and I have been here nearly 6 months. I got so desperate for friendship that I posted an ad on craigslist. Lots of old guys and sugar daddies later, I did meet a couple people that lived here. Of course, I wouldn't give them my phone number or meet them anywhere. One of the guys referred to his house as "crib" and he was white. The other is, I'm pretty sure, I thick redneck and the other is a relatively normal 24 year old. Hes a bit old for me but more normal though hes slowing getting more sexual and says I just need to have some mindless sex to get me over my ex. I don't want to go that route to get over him. I want to still be friends with him. I feel like if I just have sex with anyone then it would tarnish the intimacy I had with him. I was his first and he my second. I don't want to trash my body.
As the days pass by, I have been feeling more and more worthless. I'm currently not in school and looking for a job. Most of the time I just sit and home and do nothing. I'm watching as my money slowly dwindles and in the end, I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I need a drastic change in my life and been thinking about joining the Air Force. I'm getting tired of being so emotion and feeling like I have no purpose in my life. I feel like shit and the air force would help me become independent and give my life some direction. Honestly, I feel I'm already at rock bottom. I have nothing to lose. So before I make my decision and talk to a recruiter, started to exercise and work out yesterday. I want to get in shape and hopefully after I'm feeling better about my physical ability, then maybe I'll be ready for the AF. I have been doing lots of research and I think its the best option for me. I'm tired of just costing my parents money and doing nothing with my life. It would get me out the house and doing something different. I don't care if I have to give up 4-8 years of my life. I wouldn't be doing anything else meaningful with it.
Btw, if you have some time, I suggest you listen to this song by Muse. It seems the perfect for how things are right now.
I started talking to one of my old guy friends out of the blue. By the end of the week, we had gone on a date, and were officially a couple. It might seemed rushed, but we had known each other for 4 years previously, and almost dated before. We were different people and ready for a relationship. Those were 3 months of happiness that I would never trade for anything. He had to leave for a long time on a trip for his career. He would be gone for 3 months and we thought we could handle that. Everything was going seemingly well for the first 2 weeks but on week 3 he finds out that he will be gone for 6 months or more. He said he couldn't handle being away for that long and that it was starting to affect him physically. With much crying, we parted ways. Even now, my heart is heavy and its been nearly 3 weeks since our break up. I took it pretty hard to the point him and I got into a fight. I wanted to stay friends with him but in the end, it hurt too much to talk to him. I couldn't stop myself from crying every time we talked. I told him that we needed to stop talking for a bit so I can heal. Its been about 5 days now. I miss him, but there is nothing I can do.
Its been really lonely here. I moved back to Indiana to my parents house. We then moved to another town. I had lived here for a year once, so I reconnected with 3 of my friends here. So far, I have not met anyone else and I have been here nearly 6 months. I got so desperate for friendship that I posted an ad on craigslist. Lots of old guys and sugar daddies later, I did meet a couple people that lived here. Of course, I wouldn't give them my phone number or meet them anywhere. One of the guys referred to his house as "crib" and he was white. The other is, I'm pretty sure, I thick redneck and the other is a relatively normal 24 year old. Hes a bit old for me but more normal though hes slowing getting more sexual and says I just need to have some mindless sex to get me over my ex. I don't want to go that route to get over him. I want to still be friends with him. I feel like if I just have sex with anyone then it would tarnish the intimacy I had with him. I was his first and he my second. I don't want to trash my body.
As the days pass by, I have been feeling more and more worthless. I'm currently not in school and looking for a job. Most of the time I just sit and home and do nothing. I'm watching as my money slowly dwindles and in the end, I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I need a drastic change in my life and been thinking about joining the Air Force. I'm getting tired of being so emotion and feeling like I have no purpose in my life. I feel like shit and the air force would help me become independent and give my life some direction. Honestly, I feel I'm already at rock bottom. I have nothing to lose. So before I make my decision and talk to a recruiter, started to exercise and work out yesterday. I want to get in shape and hopefully after I'm feeling better about my physical ability, then maybe I'll be ready for the AF. I have been doing lots of research and I think its the best option for me. I'm tired of just costing my parents money and doing nothing with my life. It would get me out the house and doing something different. I don't care if I have to give up 4-8 years of my life. I wouldn't be doing anything else meaningful with it.
Btw, if you have some time, I suggest you listen to this song by Muse. It seems the perfect for how things are right now.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Sunrise, Sunset
So... I have not posted in the last few day because it seems I have become addicted to this MMORPG. (Its not WoW) There is a site called Gaiaonline where you can talk to people on forums, play games, and other stuff. You get this Avatar that you can design yourself with a currency called Gold. The most sufficient way to earn gold is by playing the MMO they have called Zomg!. Its pretty fun and its a little different from other MMO's because your level is based on the level of your Rings, or skills/powers. You play to get power orbs that you use to level up your rings. Anyway, I have changed my avatar like 3 times this week and have prolly earned a whole bunch of gold that I have promptly spent on stupid stuff.
This has been stealing my life, but the truth is, I'm open to any kind of distraction that will make me forget how lonely I am for a while. I have lost entire days to this game and site. Isn't that sad? I need a life... I can't wait until I go home. I hate being here...
On the plus side, My boyfriend will be staying in California with me for the last week of school and he is going to help me move out. YAY for unsupervised boyfriend time!
This has been stealing my life, but the truth is, I'm open to any kind of distraction that will make me forget how lonely I am for a while. I have lost entire days to this game and site. Isn't that sad? I need a life... I can't wait until I go home. I hate being here...
On the plus side, My boyfriend will be staying in California with me for the last week of school and he is going to help me move out. YAY for unsupervised boyfriend time!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Devil in the Details
So... Today was rough for me.
About a year ago I made the decision to run away from my small town life in Indiana. I needed to get away from everyone and everything. I needed to be on my own where I could think for myself. There was lots of bad things that happened to me in a short span of a weeks time. A close friend of mine had commit suicide and then a week later my boyfriend wanted to go on a break. This left me feeling alone and unwanted. I had to get away as far and fast as I could. Things were all set up for me to go to a private college close to home but I couldn't stay there anymore so I ran. I changed at the last minute and went to California. I left and tried to start over my life. I kept in contact with a few people on facebook but I needed to look forward and try not to focus on the pain in my heart or the emptiness I felt. About 3 weeks after I finalized everything my boyfriend came back to me and he begged me to take him back. He said he changed. He knew what he wanted and it was me. I told him that I was going to California but he was adamant about staying with me. Its an unspoken truth that he was part of the reason I went away, yet he stayed.
Things started out ok. I had a good roommate and made friends fast. I was doing well in my classes and not missing home at all. People seemed to like me quite a bit but around Thanksgiving things turned sour. My roommate uninvited me for Thanksgiving break and left me with just a few days to find other arrangements. After we came back from break, she started treating me like crap. She had early classes and I had afternoon classes. I would sleep through her alarm, she would shower and get ready without waking me but then she started to let people into our room instead of making them wait outside. It would wake me up and feel extremely awkward being half naked with people in the room. She would talk loudly about me while I was in the room. Oh and she would talk about how annoying I was to everyone and the worst room mate. She would make fun of me behind my back and spread a bunch of shit about me. Of course I had a few friends who let me know all of this. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she would leave and hang out with this girl I didn't care for. This is College, you don't have to be friends with Everyone. -sigh- She made my life Hell for the last 5 weeks of school. I started to do worse in my classes and ended up failing almost all of them. Thankfully I had nice professors that let me make up the missing work during Christmas Break and I ended up not failing them.
When I came back at the start of the new semester, I found half of the room was completely empty and found out a day later that my now ex-room mate moved. I decided I didn't want another room mate. So here I am alone in my jail like room. The walls are cement with a cold emptiness that chills me to the bone. It seems to encase my darkest emotions and lets my loneliness fester. The second week of the new semester my boyfriend attempted suicide. He was damn near close and I felt myself die inside. I cried for a week straight and had a hard time coming out of my room even to just get food let alone go to class. Do you know how many people knocked on my door to just sit and talk to me? None. I would reach out but no one came to me. I ended up telling a couple people why whenever they saw me I had puffy eyes and a tear streaked face but it didn't seem like they cared to know. Just one of those moment where you think "Wow sucks to be her, glad thats not me." It was one of the toughest weeks of my life. My boyfriend who gave me strength was handcuffed to a hospital bed and I was alone halfway across the country, completely helpless. I ended up missing about 2 weeks of class. It was enough to put me behind the rest of the semester. Ever since I have been trying to play catch up and I see myself getting farther and farther behind.
I went home for spring break and when I came back it only made things worse. I cried the first week back and skipped most of my classes then begged my Uncle who lives 3 1/2 hours away to pick me b/c I couldn't stay here alone. Honestly I was scared I would do something stupid. I stayed with him and his partner for about 4 days and got back last week. I felt good for the first day back. I got a new hair cut, a new look, new eyes, and a new confidence. It lasted all of 2 days before it hit me how lonely I was. Now it is Sunday and I have slept most of the weekend and left my room twice in the last 3 days. I'm failing 2 of my classes and feel nothing but a darkness consuming me.
I talked to my parents today and sobbed on the phone about how miserable and depressed I was. They told me to see if I can get a W in my Japanese and Computer class. So then I can start over easier back home and try not to ruin my GPA too much more. After I got off the phone with them, I called my boyfriend and talked to him for about and hour. He was able to make me feel better after a little bit and even got me laughing by the end of the conversation. Hooray for a small amount of happiness.
I don't regret going to California b/c I think I needed it. I just wish I didn't feel so shitty throughout most of the time here.
Life Sucks.
About a year ago I made the decision to run away from my small town life in Indiana. I needed to get away from everyone and everything. I needed to be on my own where I could think for myself. There was lots of bad things that happened to me in a short span of a weeks time. A close friend of mine had commit suicide and then a week later my boyfriend wanted to go on a break. This left me feeling alone and unwanted. I had to get away as far and fast as I could. Things were all set up for me to go to a private college close to home but I couldn't stay there anymore so I ran. I changed at the last minute and went to California. I left and tried to start over my life. I kept in contact with a few people on facebook but I needed to look forward and try not to focus on the pain in my heart or the emptiness I felt. About 3 weeks after I finalized everything my boyfriend came back to me and he begged me to take him back. He said he changed. He knew what he wanted and it was me. I told him that I was going to California but he was adamant about staying with me. Its an unspoken truth that he was part of the reason I went away, yet he stayed.
Things started out ok. I had a good roommate and made friends fast. I was doing well in my classes and not missing home at all. People seemed to like me quite a bit but around Thanksgiving things turned sour. My roommate uninvited me for Thanksgiving break and left me with just a few days to find other arrangements. After we came back from break, she started treating me like crap. She had early classes and I had afternoon classes. I would sleep through her alarm, she would shower and get ready without waking me but then she started to let people into our room instead of making them wait outside. It would wake me up and feel extremely awkward being half naked with people in the room. She would talk loudly about me while I was in the room. Oh and she would talk about how annoying I was to everyone and the worst room mate. She would make fun of me behind my back and spread a bunch of shit about me. Of course I had a few friends who let me know all of this. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she would leave and hang out with this girl I didn't care for. This is College, you don't have to be friends with Everyone. -sigh- She made my life Hell for the last 5 weeks of school. I started to do worse in my classes and ended up failing almost all of them. Thankfully I had nice professors that let me make up the missing work during Christmas Break and I ended up not failing them.
When I came back at the start of the new semester, I found half of the room was completely empty and found out a day later that my now ex-room mate moved. I decided I didn't want another room mate. So here I am alone in my jail like room. The walls are cement with a cold emptiness that chills me to the bone. It seems to encase my darkest emotions and lets my loneliness fester. The second week of the new semester my boyfriend attempted suicide. He was damn near close and I felt myself die inside. I cried for a week straight and had a hard time coming out of my room even to just get food let alone go to class. Do you know how many people knocked on my door to just sit and talk to me? None. I would reach out but no one came to me. I ended up telling a couple people why whenever they saw me I had puffy eyes and a tear streaked face but it didn't seem like they cared to know. Just one of those moment where you think "Wow sucks to be her, glad thats not me." It was one of the toughest weeks of my life. My boyfriend who gave me strength was handcuffed to a hospital bed and I was alone halfway across the country, completely helpless. I ended up missing about 2 weeks of class. It was enough to put me behind the rest of the semester. Ever since I have been trying to play catch up and I see myself getting farther and farther behind.
I went home for spring break and when I came back it only made things worse. I cried the first week back and skipped most of my classes then begged my Uncle who lives 3 1/2 hours away to pick me b/c I couldn't stay here alone. Honestly I was scared I would do something stupid. I stayed with him and his partner for about 4 days and got back last week. I felt good for the first day back. I got a new hair cut, a new look, new eyes, and a new confidence. It lasted all of 2 days before it hit me how lonely I was. Now it is Sunday and I have slept most of the weekend and left my room twice in the last 3 days. I'm failing 2 of my classes and feel nothing but a darkness consuming me.
I talked to my parents today and sobbed on the phone about how miserable and depressed I was. They told me to see if I can get a W in my Japanese and Computer class. So then I can start over easier back home and try not to ruin my GPA too much more. After I got off the phone with them, I called my boyfriend and talked to him for about and hour. He was able to make me feel better after a little bit and even got me laughing by the end of the conversation. Hooray for a small amount of happiness.
I don't regret going to California b/c I think I needed it. I just wish I didn't feel so shitty throughout most of the time here.
Life Sucks.
Beginner's Mind
First post! woot!
Recently I saw a movie called Lo. It had a very good story line for a low budget independent film. Who would have guessed? The set was very simplistic and mostly consisted of a guys sitting in the middle of the dark room inside a pentagram with one spotlight over the demon who he was talking to. Sometimes there would be a couple other back lights for certain other characters, but there was only about 8 people in the entire thing. Essentially the movie was about a guy who fell in love with this girl who was secretly a demon in hiding. She was discovered and taken back to hell leaving her lover with only a demon spell book. He summons the demon that is in a marked page and commands him to find his lover. This demon, named Lo, is a quirky smartass who delivers a few priceless lines and proceeds to play around with this poor mans mind.
It really is a brilliant movie. I liked the originality to it, which seems to be lost in the most expensive "popular" films. For instance, Repo! the Genetic Opera came out and was a great movie. The thing that held it back was b/c it was a musical and had an interesting sense of humor that was not for the general population. So what happens? about 2 years later... Repo Men comes out. >.> A more expensive film that has a ripped off concept from Repo! the Genetic Opera. I refused to watch it.
Another Independent film I loved was called Wristcutters: A Love Story. This was actually based off a book, but the movie was so strange and good I have been looking for this book from quite some time. Its takes the concept that when you commit suicide you end up in a place that is like earth but dull and cheerless. In a way its kinda a big FU to those people who took their lives b/c they thought earth was so crappy only to go to a place where all they have is the shittyness of earth and none of the good things. Its an interesting concept and a wonderful movie if you like something that is quirky and different.
I wish the "Popular" movies would be so much more original. Though this summer most of the big blockbuster films are going to be based off of superheros and comic books. -sigh- Hollywood is running out of sequels and knockoffs. Maybe if they were creative for once, there would be movies that I would actually want to spend my money on.
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