Devil in the Details

So... Today was rough for me.

About a year ago I made the decision to run away from my small town life in Indiana. I needed to get away from everyone and everything. I needed to be on my own where I could think for myself. There was lots of bad things that happened to me in a short span of a weeks time. A close friend of mine had commit suicide and then a week later my boyfriend wanted to go on a break. This left me feeling alone and unwanted. I had to get away as far and fast as I could. Things were all set up for me to go to a private college close to home but I couldn't stay there anymore so I ran. I changed at the last minute and went to California. I left and tried to start over my life. I kept in contact with a few people on facebook but I needed to look forward and try not to focus on the pain in my heart or the emptiness I felt. About 3 weeks after I finalized everything my boyfriend came back to me and he begged me to take him back. He said he changed. He knew what he wanted and it was me.  I told him that I was going to California but he was adamant about staying with me.  Its an unspoken truth that he was part of the reason I went away, yet he stayed.

Things started out ok. I had a good roommate and made friends fast. I was doing well in my classes and not missing home at all. People seemed to like me quite a bit but around Thanksgiving things turned sour. My roommate uninvited me for Thanksgiving break and left me with just a few days to find other arrangements. After we came back from break, she started treating me like crap. She had early classes and I had afternoon classes. I would sleep through her alarm, she would shower and get ready without waking me but then she started to let people into our room instead of making them wait outside. It would wake me up and feel extremely awkward being half naked with people in the room. She would talk loudly about me while I was in the room. Oh and she would talk about how annoying I was to everyone and the worst room mate. She would make fun of me behind my back and spread a bunch of shit about me. Of course I had a few friends who let me know all of this. Whenever I tried to talk to her about it, she would leave and hang out with this girl I didn't care for. This is College, you don't have to be friends with Everyone.  -sigh- She made my life Hell for the last 5 weeks of school. I started to do worse in my classes and ended up failing almost all of them. Thankfully I had nice professors that let me make up the missing work during Christmas Break and I ended up not failing them.

When I came back at the start of the new semester, I found half of the room was completely empty and found out a day later that my now ex-room mate moved. I decided I didn't want another room mate. So here I am alone in my jail like room. The walls are cement with a cold emptiness that chills me to the bone. It seems to encase my darkest emotions and lets my loneliness fester. The second week of the new semester my boyfriend attempted suicide. He was damn near close and I felt myself die inside. I cried for a week straight and had a hard time coming out of my room even to just get food let alone go to class. Do you know how many people knocked on my door to just sit and talk to me? None. I would reach out but no one came to me. I ended up telling a couple people why whenever they saw me I had puffy eyes and a tear streaked face but it didn't seem like they cared to know. Just one of those moment where you think "Wow sucks to be her, glad thats not me." It was one of the toughest weeks of my life. My boyfriend who gave me strength was handcuffed to a hospital bed and I was alone halfway across the country, completely helpless. I ended up missing about 2 weeks of class. It was enough to put me behind the rest of the semester. Ever since I have been trying to play catch up and I see myself getting farther and farther behind.

I went home for spring break and when I came back it only made things worse. I cried the first week back and skipped most of my classes then begged my Uncle who lives 3 1/2 hours away to pick me b/c I couldn't stay here alone. Honestly I was scared I would do something stupid. I stayed with him and his partner for about 4 days and got back last week. I felt good for the first day back. I got a new hair cut, a new look, new eyes, and a new confidence. It lasted all of 2 days before it hit me how lonely I was. Now it is Sunday and I have slept most of the weekend and left my room twice in the last 3 days. I'm failing 2 of my classes and feel nothing but a darkness consuming me.

I talked to my parents today and sobbed on the phone about how miserable and depressed I was. They told me to see if I can get a W in my Japanese and Computer class. So then I can start over easier back home and try not to ruin my GPA too much more. After I got off the phone with them, I  called my boyfriend and talked to him for about and hour. He was able to make me feel better after a little bit and even got me laughing by the end of the conversation. Hooray for a small amount of happiness.

I don't regret going to California b/c I think I needed it. I just wish I didn't feel so shitty throughout most of the time here.

Life Sucks.