Citizen Erased

I haven't posted in a while, but a lot has happened. My boyfriend James and I broke up after 2 1/2 years of dating. It took me a while, but I had moved on. I'm not sure if it makes it easier or harder to move on after you had been cheated on. Though regardless, I'm over it.

I started talking to one of my old  guy friends out of the blue. By the end of the week, we had gone on a date, and were officially a couple. It might seemed rushed, but we had known each other for 4 years previously, and almost dated before. We were different people and ready for a relationship. Those were 3 months of happiness that I would never trade for anything. He had to leave for a long time on a trip for his career. He would be gone for 3 months and we thought we could handle that. Everything was going seemingly well for the first 2 weeks but on week 3 he finds out that he will be gone for 6 months or more. He said he couldn't handle being away for that long and that it was starting to affect him physically. With much crying, we parted ways. Even now, my heart is heavy and its been nearly 3 weeks since our break up. I took it pretty hard to the point him and I got into a fight. I wanted to stay friends with him but in the end, it hurt too much to talk to him. I couldn't stop myself from crying every time we talked. I told him that we needed to stop talking for a bit so I can heal. Its been about 5 days now. I miss him, but there is nothing I can do.

Its been really lonely here. I moved back to Indiana to my parents house. We then moved to another town. I had lived here for a year once, so I reconnected with 3 of my friends here. So far, I have not met anyone else and I have been here nearly 6 months. I got so desperate for friendship that I posted an ad on craigslist. Lots of old guys and sugar daddies later, I did meet a couple people that lived here. Of course, I wouldn't give them my phone number or meet them anywhere. One of the guys referred to his house as "crib" and he was white. The other is, I'm pretty sure, I thick redneck and the other is a relatively normal 24 year old. Hes a bit old for me but more normal though hes slowing getting more sexual and says I just need to have some mindless sex to get me over my ex. I don't want to go that route to get over him. I want to still be friends with him. I feel like if I just have sex with anyone then it would tarnish the intimacy I had with him. I was his first and he my second. I don't want to trash my body.

As the days pass by, I have been feeling more and more worthless. I'm currently not in school and looking for a job. Most of the time I just sit and home and do nothing. I'm watching as my money slowly dwindles and in the end, I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I need a drastic change in my life and been thinking about joining the Air Force. I'm getting tired of being so emotion and feeling like I have no purpose in my life. I feel like shit and the air force would help me become independent and give my life some direction. Honestly, I feel I'm already at rock bottom. I have nothing to lose. So before I make my decision and talk to a recruiter, started to exercise and work out yesterday. I want to get in shape and hopefully after I'm feeling better about my physical ability, then maybe I'll be ready for the AF. I have been doing lots of research and I think its the best option for me. I'm tired of just costing my parents money and doing nothing with my life. It would get me out the house and doing something different. I don't care if I have to give up 4-8 years of my life. I wouldn't be doing anything else meaningful with it.

Btw, if you have some time, I suggest you listen to this song by Muse. It seems the perfect for how things are right now.