So it is another day. Quite a bit has happened in the past few days. I almost posted about a couple days ago but I wanted to see how things ended.
After one of the songs my ex wrote came up on my ipod, I was thinking about how his music was doing. I looked on youtube to see if he had posted any new songs. Now I guess I should start by saying, I have not talked to him in about 3 months. So I listened to him sing a cover of this song I loved and decided just to leave a small encouraging comment under one of my lesser known screen names. He knew it was me and we started talking the next day. I simply asked how his music was and he launched into how he missed me and wanted to see me again. I said nicely said no and that I was not interested in him like that and just wanted to know how his music was doing. We made small talk for the rest of the day just kinda relaying the stuff going on in our life.
The next night I got a message from his girlfriend? lover? slut bag? (She is the girl he cheated on me with throughout our relationship and she repaid her love for him by getting engaged. I really hate her) Her and I got into a fight over skype telling me to get out of his life b/c her and his mom know what is best for him and he is incapable of making decisions on his own. I pretty much defended him but she was still able to get me at the end of the conversation. We were just trying to say the things that would hurt the most. It was pretty nasty.
Essentially what ended up happening was after the fight, she went over to his house and told him that she got his passwords and we had a spat. He responded by kicking her out. He sent an email to me and I sent him the conversation. According to him hes done with her but still is going to be her friend b/c he can't get away from her since his mom loves her. -shrug- I told him that I didn't really care if he was with her or not b/c its none of my business who he loves. He wants to meet with me in a couple weeks but I don't think I'm up to it. Though he did get me an interview with a coffee shop so I kinda feel like I owe him.
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I have have not made my decision to join the air force yet. I have always stood for non-violence and been against the military. Its really difficult for me to make the choice but I did decided that I would prepare myself as if I were going to join. I'm exercising now and I found an air force 9 week training guide for getting ready for basic. I'm not able to do pushups yet so I can't really start it yet, but I'm working on it. Today I learned how to put my hair up though so I won't have to cut it. I figured if I practice then I could do it quickly for basic. Its actually kinda cool! Girls use a rolled up sock to make a bun! Isn't that insane? I'm currently wearing it like that now.
I know I still have a long way to go before I'm ready to join the military, but everyone has to start somewhere right?
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
Citizen Erased
I haven't posted in a while, but a lot has happened. My boyfriend James and I broke up after 2 1/2 years of dating. It took me a while, but I had moved on. I'm not sure if it makes it easier or harder to move on after you had been cheated on. Though regardless, I'm over it.
I started talking to one of my old guy friends out of the blue. By the end of the week, we had gone on a date, and were officially a couple. It might seemed rushed, but we had known each other for 4 years previously, and almost dated before. We were different people and ready for a relationship. Those were 3 months of happiness that I would never trade for anything. He had to leave for a long time on a trip for his career. He would be gone for 3 months and we thought we could handle that. Everything was going seemingly well for the first 2 weeks but on week 3 he finds out that he will be gone for 6 months or more. He said he couldn't handle being away for that long and that it was starting to affect him physically. With much crying, we parted ways. Even now, my heart is heavy and its been nearly 3 weeks since our break up. I took it pretty hard to the point him and I got into a fight. I wanted to stay friends with him but in the end, it hurt too much to talk to him. I couldn't stop myself from crying every time we talked. I told him that we needed to stop talking for a bit so I can heal. Its been about 5 days now. I miss him, but there is nothing I can do.
Its been really lonely here. I moved back to Indiana to my parents house. We then moved to another town. I had lived here for a year once, so I reconnected with 3 of my friends here. So far, I have not met anyone else and I have been here nearly 6 months. I got so desperate for friendship that I posted an ad on craigslist. Lots of old guys and sugar daddies later, I did meet a couple people that lived here. Of course, I wouldn't give them my phone number or meet them anywhere. One of the guys referred to his house as "crib" and he was white. The other is, I'm pretty sure, I thick redneck and the other is a relatively normal 24 year old. Hes a bit old for me but more normal though hes slowing getting more sexual and says I just need to have some mindless sex to get me over my ex. I don't want to go that route to get over him. I want to still be friends with him. I feel like if I just have sex with anyone then it would tarnish the intimacy I had with him. I was his first and he my second. I don't want to trash my body.
As the days pass by, I have been feeling more and more worthless. I'm currently not in school and looking for a job. Most of the time I just sit and home and do nothing. I'm watching as my money slowly dwindles and in the end, I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I need a drastic change in my life and been thinking about joining the Air Force. I'm getting tired of being so emotion and feeling like I have no purpose in my life. I feel like shit and the air force would help me become independent and give my life some direction. Honestly, I feel I'm already at rock bottom. I have nothing to lose. So before I make my decision and talk to a recruiter, started to exercise and work out yesterday. I want to get in shape and hopefully after I'm feeling better about my physical ability, then maybe I'll be ready for the AF. I have been doing lots of research and I think its the best option for me. I'm tired of just costing my parents money and doing nothing with my life. It would get me out the house and doing something different. I don't care if I have to give up 4-8 years of my life. I wouldn't be doing anything else meaningful with it.
Btw, if you have some time, I suggest you listen to this song by Muse. It seems the perfect for how things are right now.
I started talking to one of my old guy friends out of the blue. By the end of the week, we had gone on a date, and were officially a couple. It might seemed rushed, but we had known each other for 4 years previously, and almost dated before. We were different people and ready for a relationship. Those were 3 months of happiness that I would never trade for anything. He had to leave for a long time on a trip for his career. He would be gone for 3 months and we thought we could handle that. Everything was going seemingly well for the first 2 weeks but on week 3 he finds out that he will be gone for 6 months or more. He said he couldn't handle being away for that long and that it was starting to affect him physically. With much crying, we parted ways. Even now, my heart is heavy and its been nearly 3 weeks since our break up. I took it pretty hard to the point him and I got into a fight. I wanted to stay friends with him but in the end, it hurt too much to talk to him. I couldn't stop myself from crying every time we talked. I told him that we needed to stop talking for a bit so I can heal. Its been about 5 days now. I miss him, but there is nothing I can do.
Its been really lonely here. I moved back to Indiana to my parents house. We then moved to another town. I had lived here for a year once, so I reconnected with 3 of my friends here. So far, I have not met anyone else and I have been here nearly 6 months. I got so desperate for friendship that I posted an ad on craigslist. Lots of old guys and sugar daddies later, I did meet a couple people that lived here. Of course, I wouldn't give them my phone number or meet them anywhere. One of the guys referred to his house as "crib" and he was white. The other is, I'm pretty sure, I thick redneck and the other is a relatively normal 24 year old. Hes a bit old for me but more normal though hes slowing getting more sexual and says I just need to have some mindless sex to get me over my ex. I don't want to go that route to get over him. I want to still be friends with him. I feel like if I just have sex with anyone then it would tarnish the intimacy I had with him. I was his first and he my second. I don't want to trash my body.
As the days pass by, I have been feeling more and more worthless. I'm currently not in school and looking for a job. Most of the time I just sit and home and do nothing. I'm watching as my money slowly dwindles and in the end, I have nothing to show for it. I feel like I need a drastic change in my life and been thinking about joining the Air Force. I'm getting tired of being so emotion and feeling like I have no purpose in my life. I feel like shit and the air force would help me become independent and give my life some direction. Honestly, I feel I'm already at rock bottom. I have nothing to lose. So before I make my decision and talk to a recruiter, started to exercise and work out yesterday. I want to get in shape and hopefully after I'm feeling better about my physical ability, then maybe I'll be ready for the AF. I have been doing lots of research and I think its the best option for me. I'm tired of just costing my parents money and doing nothing with my life. It would get me out the house and doing something different. I don't care if I have to give up 4-8 years of my life. I wouldn't be doing anything else meaningful with it.
Btw, if you have some time, I suggest you listen to this song by Muse. It seems the perfect for how things are right now.
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